PHILADELPHIA — Patriot Combat Freestyle announced its eighth event on Monday, and for the eighth consecutive time, the promotion has confirmed it is, quote, “the most stacked card in the history of combat sports.”
PCF 08 will feature four Olympic gold medalists, three former MMA champions, two active UFC contenders who apparently have nothing better to do, and one guy named Bryce who won a folkstyle tournament in Scranton in 2014 and has been riding that wave ever since.
“Every card we put together is the most stacked card we’ve ever put together,” said PCF founder and former Division I walk-on Trent Buckner, wearing a polo shirt tucked into tactical pants. “This one happens to also be the most stacked card anyone has ever put together. In any sport. Including the Olympics, which — and I cannot stress this enough — we have more gold medalists than most countries that actually competed in the Olympics.”
The 12-match card includes a lightweight bout between two former MMA champions who last wrestled competitively during the Bush administration, a middleweight crossover match pitting a UFC contender against a 47-year-old retired fighter who accepted the bout via Instagram DM during his daughter’s soccer game, and a women’s title fight that the commentary team will inevitably describe as “historic” while cutting to a wide shot of 400 people in an 8,000-seat arena.
Bryce Delvecchio, the lone non-Olympian on the main card, told reporters he’s “just grateful for the opportunity” and that his mother will be in attendance with a poster she made at Kinko’s.
“I wrestled at 138 in high school,” Delvecchio said. “I’m walking around at 194 now but I feel like the skills translate.”
Tickets for PCF 08 range from $45 to $350, with the $350 “Gold Medal Experience” package including floor seats, a commemorative singlet, and a photo with whichever Olympic medalist is willing to stand near the merch table. The event will stream exclusively on a patriotic-themed platform that your uncle already subscribes to.
Industry analysts note that PCF has now booked more Olympic gold medalists across eight events than the entire nation of Finland has produced in wrestling since 1952. When asked whether this pace of credential accumulation is sustainable, Buckner pointed to a whiteboard in his office covered in names connected by red string.
“We’re in talks with a decathlete,” he said. “A real one. Two-time. He’s never wrestled before but he’s got a great sprawl for a guy who throws javelin.”
The promotion’s official poster features all four gold medalists arranged in a diamond formation, each holding their Olympic medal, with Delvecchio Photoshopped into the background at roughly 40% opacity.
Broadcast begins at 7 PM Eastern. Commentary will be provided by two men who are legally required to mention freedom at least once per match.
This article is satire. AI-generated content by BJJ Problems.