The Newsroom

Founder of The Porra. Brown belt for nine years. Claims he's 'not chasing belts' but has been spotted crying in the parking lot after every promotion ceremony he wasn't part of. Started this publication after getting banned from three BJJ forums for 'excessive editorial tone.' Previously worked as a bouncer, a youth soccer referee, and briefly as a notary public, which he brings up constantly. Has a torn meniscus he refuses to get surgery on because 'it's part of my game now.' Lives in San Diego with two cats named Rickson and Royler, who also don't get along.

Former paralegal. Blue belt. Runs the editorial calendar, the Slack channel, and by most accounts, Carlos. Has killed more stories than she's published and considers this her greatest professional achievement. Once cut an entire 3,000-word feature down to two paragraphs and a photo caption. The writer cried. Linda did not. Her editing style has been described as 'surgical,' 'merciless,' and 'why I quit' by three former contributors. Keeps a spreadsheet of every factual error The Porra has ever published, which she maintains is 'surprisingly short for a satire outlet, and I take full credit.' Does not train anymore but still wears a rashguard to the office. There is no office.

Manages the website, the social media accounts, and the SEO strategy, which consists entirely of the phrase 'just write funny shit and they'll come.' Brown belt who got promoted during a period he describes as 'the professor was in a good mood, and I didn't ask questions.' Previously ran social media for a CrossFit gym, a vegan meal prep company, and a dog groomer, all of which went out of business. Insists these were unrelated. Coined The Porra's internal motto: 'If it's trending, we're late. If we're early, it's wrong. If it's both, publish it.' Has never once met Carlos in person despite working together for two years.

Has a master's degree in journalism from Northwestern, which she leverages exclusively to correct comma placement in articles about imaginary belt promotions. Four-stripe white belt who has been a four-stripe white belt for three years and gets visibly upset when asked about it. Her red pen has killed more prose than any submission in ADCC history. Once spent 45 minutes debating whether 'açaí' requires the cedilla in a satirical context. It does, and she will die on this hill. Her desk (kitchen table) has a framed copy of the AP Stylebook and a Post-it note that says 'Carlos is wrong' with no additional context. She has never removed it.

Yes, a satire publication has a Standards & Accuracy Editor. No, we don't know why either. Terrence was hired after an article accidentally included a real gym's address and the owner called Carlos seventeen times in one afternoon. His job is to make sure our fiction doesn't accidentally become journalism, which he describes as 'harder than you'd think, because jiu-jitsu people are insane and the truth is often stupider than anything we make up.' Purple belt who competes exclusively in the absolute division despite weighing 154 pounds, which he calls 'a character-building exercise.' Has flagged 340+ articles. Approximately 12 of his flags have resulted in changes. He logs them all anyway.

Born Oswaldo. Added the second S himself on a passport renewal form in 2019 and has been legally fighting the State Department about it ever since. Four-stripe blue belt at Gracie Barra Torrance, which he will mention within 90 seconds of meeting you regardless of context. Covers competition results with the intensity of someone who went 1-3 at Masters Worlds and described it as 'a learning experience that changed me.' His desk is covered in IBJJF brackets he's annotated with conspiracy theories about ref bias. Once emailed FloGrappling a 4,000-word complaint about camera angles. They did not respond. He emailed again.

Has trained at 11 gyms in 6 years across 4 states and genuinely does not see the pattern. Currently a three-stripe blue belt, though she insists two of those stripes 'don't count' because of a coach she no longer acknowledges. Got the nickname after heelhooking a visiting black belt during a 'flow roll.' She was asked to leave that gym. That was gym number 7. Covers gym culture, affiliate drama, and the business of BJJ with the perspective of someone who has personally been on both sides of every gym breakup. Has a Yelp account with 31 one-star reviews, all martial arts academies. Her Subaru has three academy stickers on it, two of which no longer exist.

Born and raised in Sao Paulo. Purple belt who has not worn a gi since 2017 and treats every gi-related conversation like a personal attack. Moved to the U.S. in 2020 'for the competition scene' but has competed exactly once, at a local NAGA in Kissimmee where he lost by advantage to a 19-year-old wrestler and has not discussed it since. His apartment contains no furniture but does have a 10x10 mat and a framed photo of himself with Lachlan Giles that Lachlan clearly does not remember taking. Covers Brazilian competition news, IBJJF politics, and anything involving the Galvao family, about whom he has opinions that could fill a textbook. Once got into an argument at a churrascaria about whether the berimbolo is cultural appropriation. He started it.

Legal name. His parents were jazz musicians from Detroit and he has the birth certificate to prove it, which he carries in his gym bag at all times. Purple belt under a coach he refers to only as 'my guy.' Writes about whatever pisses him off that week, which is everything. His columns have been described as 'unhinged but somehow correct' by at least one person in our comments section. Has been banned from the IBJJF for 'conduct unbecoming of a competitor,' which involved a post-match interview he gave himself into his own phone. Once wrote a 2,800-word op-ed about gi color restrictions that made a grown man at Atos cry. Drives a 2004 Honda Civic with a bumper sticker that says 'MY OTHER CAR IS ALSO THIS CAR.' We do not edit his work. We have tried. Not related to De La Riva Jones. They have both asked us to make this clear. Separately. On the same day.

3x NAGA Masters Lightweight semifinalist who will correct you if you call her a 'three-time competitor' instead. Blue belt. Five foot two. Has a deadlift that outperforms most of the men on this staff, a fact she has verified publicly. The nickname came from a screaming match at an acai bowl shop in Encinitas in 2022 that she maintains she won. Writes about nutrition, PED culture, and the supplements industry with the energy of someone who reads every ingredient label out loud at GNC. Has a burner Instagram account dedicated entirely to exposing overpriced BJJ supplements. It has 14,000 followers. Her main account has 300. Once brought a food scale to a team dinner and nobody said anything because everyone was afraid of her. Allergic to nothing but claims to be allergic to 'bullshit marketing,' which she considers a medical condition.

Got the nickname at a fraternity in 2011 and has been insisting it's about jiu-jitsu ever since, despite mounting evidence to the contrary that he will not acknowledge. Blue belt who trains 'mostly no-gi' because he 'doesn't believe in grips,' a statement that has never been successfully explained. Covers MMA crossover stories and UFC grappling exchanges with the confidence of a man who has never actually competed but watches 'a lot of tape.' His fight analysis consists primarily of saying 'he should've just stood up' regardless of the position. Once live-tweeted an entire Bellator card from a Buffalo Wild Wings and referred to it as 'press coverage.' Has a podcast called 'Ground Game' that has released four episodes in three years, each one recorded in his truck. Claims to have 'rolled with' multiple UFC fighters. When pressed, admits these were open mats where he was in the same room.

Gym owner somewhere in the Midwest. Will not say where. Will not say his last name. Will not confirm his belt rank, though he once accidentally wore a brown belt to a Zoom call and muted himself for 40 minutes when someone noticed. Writes about the business side of BJJ — pricing, retention, affiliate politics — with the paranoia of a man who believes his competitors read The Porra, which they almost certainly do not. Claims to have '200+ active members,' a number that has not changed in three years despite all evidence suggesting his gym has a Groupon problem. His articles are submitted exclusively via encrypted email from a ProtonMail address. Once threatened to pull his column because we published a satire piece about overpriced gym memberships. His gym charges $249/month. He did not see the irony. We kept the piece.

Former Division III wrestler turned BJJ brown belt turned investigative journalist turned the guy everyone is slightly uncomfortable around at tournaments. The nickname is from his wrestling days at SUNY Cortland, where he was, by all accounts, a perfectly normal competitor who happened to develop a reputation for a particular defensive technique that we are contractually obligated to not describe in detail. He has asked us to stop mentioning it. We have declined. Covers tournament corruption, scoring controversies, and federation politics with the dogged persistence of a man who once FOIA'd a local IBJJF affiliate's tax returns. His investigations have resulted in zero formal consequences but several strongly worded emails, which he has framed. Lives alone in a one-bedroom in Queens with a corkboard on the wall connected by red string that he insists is 'for an article.' Has never been to Brazil but speaks Portuguese at a conversational level he acquired 'for research.' His sources are confidential. His methods are questionable. His accuracy is, annoyingly, almost perfect.

His mother, a purple belt from Newark, named him De La Riva after the guard position because, and this is a direct quote, 'I just thought it sounded beautiful.' His father, also from Newark, did not train and had no input on the decision. Competes at Masters 2 Middleweight with a 6-11 career record that he describes as 'competitive' because most of his losses went to points. Self-described 'guard player trapped in a wrestler's body,' which is his way of saying he pulls guard immediately and then gets passed. Writes about technique, competition strategy, and the philosophical dimensions of bottom game with the conviction of a man who has won exactly two matches by submission, both via the same loop choke that he has built his entire identity around. His Instagram bio says 'Guard is a lifestyle.' He recently got that tattooed on his forearm. His mother cried. It is unclear whether from pride or concern. Not related to Motherfucker Jones. Has never met Motherfucker Jones. Would prefer to keep it that way.