PORTLAND, OR — Training partners Derek Loomis and Jason Kang have formally announced a two-week rolling ceasefire following three weeks of escalating mat hostilities that culminated in a disputed knee reap during Thursday’s advanced class.
The ceasefire, brokered by gym purple belt and self-appointed mediator Caleb Hines, included mutually agreed-upon terms drafted over a 45-minute conversation in the parking lot after class. Sources confirm the document was typed in the Notes app and screenshotted for accountability.
Terms included: no leg attacks below the knee, maximum 60% intensity during all exchanges, a mandatory fist bump every 90 seconds to “reset the vibe,” and a mutual agreement to stop telling other training partners their version of the knee reap incident.
“It was definitely inside the knee line,” Loomis told reporters, before Hines reminded him that relitigating the incident violated Article 3 of the agreement.
Kang declined to comment on the specifics but did gesture broadly at his own knee while making a face described by witnesses as “deeply prosecutorial.”
The conflict reportedly began three weeks ago when Loomis hit an inside heel hook during a flow roll. Kang responded the following class with what he described as a “measured” kneebar from 50/50 that left Loomis limping for two days. The subsequent sessions saw escalations including: a can opener from inside closed guard, an unreturned fist bump, eye contact held for eleven seconds during a water break, and the disputed knee reap that forced Professor Amanda Chen to pause the entire round.
“They were doing that thing where it technically looks like rolling but it’s actually a blood feud,” said blue belt Megan Ortiz. “You know the vibe. Controlled movements but someone’s definitely going to the hospital.”
The ceasefire held for exactly four minutes.
During Monday’s warm-up pummeling drill, Kang executed what witnesses describe as a “statistically significant” arm drag that sent Loomis stumbling into the wall.
“It was a warm-up,” Loomis said afterward, re-taping his fingers with the energy of a man preparing a legal brief. “We were literally doing pummeling. At 30% — that’s what we agreed on. And he arm drags me into the cubbies. The cubbies, man. Where the shoes go.”
Kang maintains the arm drag was within warm-up parameters.
“If you can’t absorb a light arm drag during pummeling, maybe the ceasefire isn’t the problem,” Kang said, while foam rolling his IT band with what multiple witnesses described as “aggressive nonchalance.”
The situation escalated when Loomis responded during the next drill by setting a body lock and hitting a lateral drop that Coach Chen had specifically banned from warm-ups in February after a separate incident involving a different pair of training partners and a wall-mounted fire extinguisher.
Mediator Hines has officially resigned from peace negotiations.
“I’m a purple belt,” Hines said, removing a lanyard he’d made that read CONFLICT RESOLUTION OFFICER. “I don’t get paid enough for this. I don’t get paid at all for this. I’m literally paying monthly dues to be here.”
Professor Chen has declined to intervene, citing a gym policy of allowing adults to “work things out on the mats,” though she did move the Thursday advanced class to the smaller room “so there’s less space for whatever this is.”
At press time, both Loomis and Kang had separately messaged Hines asking if he’d seen what the other one posted on Instagram Stories, and whether the cease-fire was technically still active if the violation occurred during warm-ups, which “aren’t even rolling.”