COLUMBUS, OH — Kevin Lenahan, a 34-year-old purple belt and supply-chain analyst at a regional logistics firm, spent his pre-class warmup Friday reading a viral listicle titled ‘Five Telltale Signs Your Training Partner Is On PEDs.’ He finished the article in under three minutes. By the time he reached the bottom of the screen, he had silently identified three teammates, two coaches, and his own father-in-law.
He stopped at five because the rest of the mat was staring at him.
Lenahan, who trains at Apex Grappling Academy of Columbus and has been a purple belt since 2023, told witnesses he had opened the article ‘just to read it for fun’ while stretching his hips against the wall near the water fountain. The article, published on a men’s wellness site whose URL he cannot remember, promised to arm readers with ‘the five signs every grappler should recognize in themselves and others.’
The first sign was ‘severe adult-onset acne, particularly on the shoulders, upper back, and jawline.’ Lenahan looked up from his phone. Brendan Pashko, a brown belt who joined the gym fifteen months ago and has since added 28 pounds to his frame, was removing his rash guard approximately four feet away. Lenahan made eye contact with the ceiling for an extended period of time.
The second sign was ‘a distinct hormonal body odor, often described as metallic, sulfurous, or reminiscent of ammonia.’ Lenahan paused to consider whether this could possibly describe any single person he trains with. He concluded that it described the entire upper-belt section of the locker room, but particularly Jeremy Duffield, one of the head coaches, whose gi has generated unprompted questions from three separate white belts over the past six months. Lenahan scrolled down.
The third sign was ‘freakish, sustained grip and squeeze strength that seems to exceed the person’s visible musculature.’ Lenahan was, at that exact moment, being waved at from across the room by Marcus ‘Hollywood’ Wexler, a 41-year-old black belt who is listed at 175 pounds on the gym’s website and who, two weeks earlier, had tapped Lenahan with a one-handed wrist crush from inside Lenahan’s own closed guard. Lenahan waved back with a tightness around the mouth that he hoped read as a smile.
The fourth sign was ‘sudden and disproportionate shifts in mood, with periods of unusually high confidence followed by short, irritable withdrawals.’ Lenahan did not even have to look up. The article was describing Coach Tobin, the gym’s founder and head instructor, who had spent the previous Tuesday leading a 20-minute motivational speech about ‘the warrior within’ and then, on Wednesday, refused to speak to anyone because a water bottle had been left on the mat.
The fifth and final sign was ‘a dramatic physical transformation after age 35, particularly in individuals returning to training after a long layoff.’ Lenahan thought, briefly and with a rising sense of dread, about his father-in-law, Dennis Prout, a 58-year-old retired roofing contractor who had begun training jiu-jitsu two years ago at 225 pounds and who now weighs 198 pounds of what his wife’s Christmas card described as ‘pure, corded muscle.’ Dennis Prout also, Lenahan recalled, could no longer open a jar lid without audibly grunting, which Lenahan had never thought was strange until this exact moment.
Lenahan lowered his phone. When he looked up, he realized that three teammates, both coaches, and a visiting purple belt from a nearby affiliate were standing in a rough semicircle approximately eight feet away, watching him in silence. Marcus Wexler had crossed his arms. Coach Tobin was making direct, unblinking eye contact. Brendan Pashko’s jaw appeared to be clenched. Someone asked Lenahan what he was reading.
‘Nothing,’ Lenahan reportedly said. ‘Just, uh. An article. About shoulder mobility.’
He locked his phone, placed it face-down on the bleachers, and began shrimping toward the far wall. He did not make eye contact with anyone for the remainder of the 45-minute warm-up. During live rolls, he specifically avoided all three flagged teammates, both coaches, and, after he realized the visiting purple belt had started watching him from the sideline, the visiting purple belt as well. He rolled exclusively with a 19-year-old white belt who had started training four weeks ago, tapping him six times in eight minutes and apologizing after each one.
When reached by this publication for comment, Lenahan stated that he now understands the article had been intended as a resource for vigilant, health-conscious grapplers who want to protect their community from the creeping normalization of performance-enhancing substances. ‘It was supposed to be like a warning,’ he said. ‘A neighborhood watch thing. For our sport.’
However, Lenahan also acknowledged that, at his academy specifically, the article had functioned less as a warning and more as what he described, after a long pause, as ‘basically a roster.’
Coach Tobin, reached separately, declined to comment on the article, the list, or any of its contents. He did voluntarily note that he had not personally touched açaí in over four years and that anyone who suggested otherwise ‘was either confused or being a creonte.’ When asked what he thought had upset Lenahan during warmup, Tobin paused, glanced toward the parking lot, and stated only that ‘some people just can’t handle a good training environment.’
At press time, Lenahan had deleted the article from his phone, cleared his browser history, and told his wife he was considering taking ‘a couple of weeks off’ to work on mobility.