The Global Fighting Alliance confirmed Thursday that its women’s bantamweight title fight between champion Jessica Moreira and top contender Alicia Blackwood will proceed as scheduled for GFA 47 in July, despite what sources inside the organization are calling “the worst possible matchup from a marketing standpoint.”
Both fighters are jiu-jitsu black belts.
“We’ve run every simulation,” said GFA Vice President of Content Marcus Healy during an emergency all-hands meeting leaked to ThePorra. “There is a non-zero chance this fight goes to the ground and stays there. I want everyone to understand the gravity of what I’m saying.”
The GFA marketing department has reportedly been in rolling crisis meetings since the matchup was announced, with one source describing the atmosphere as “like finding out both Super Bowl quarterbacks are punters.”
Moreira, who won the title in February with a second-round armbar, holds a world championship in sport jiu-jitsu and a continental trials gold medal. Blackwood, riding a six-fight winning streak fueled almost entirely by rear-naked chokes and triangles, holds the promotional record for most submissions.
Together, they have 13 submission victories in 22 combined fights.
“We’re not saying ‘submission’ in any promotional material,” said GFA social media director Tanya Reeves. “We’re going with ‘finish.’ If anyone asks what kind of finish, we say ‘a dominant one’ and change the subject.”
The commentary team has been given emergency jiu-jitsu glossary cards, a decision that lead commentator Bryce Donovan called “professionally humiliating.”
“They gave me forty flashcards,” Donovan told ThePorra. “One of them just says ‘half guard — it’s like guard but half.’ I’ve been calling fights for nine years.”
Sources close to the broadcast team say the truck has been instructed to cut to crowd reaction shots “aggressively” during any prolonged ground exchange and to keep a highlight reel of the fighters’ striking ready “at all times, even during the fight.”
The promotion’s social media team has reportedly already prepared a batch of contingency posts for various fight outcomes. The posts labeled “WORST CASE” read: “Two of the most decorated martial artists on the planet showcasing the HIGHEST level of mixed martial arts” — which, one staffer noted, is exactly how you phrase it when nobody got knocked out.
Blackwood, for her part, seemed unaware of the internal panic.
“We’re both black belts. We both love the ground. Why wouldn’t you want to see that?” she said during media day. “Name another title fight where both fighters could submit each other at any moment. That’s not boring. That’s terrifying.”
Donovan reviewed his flashcards. “Half guard,” he muttered. “It’s like guard but half.”
This article is satire. AI-generated content by BJJ Problems.