COLUMBUS, OH — Brandon Ellsworth, a 35-year-old project manager and eighteen-month blue belt at Westside Grappling Academy, attended his fourth social event of April last Saturday and maintained a perfect record of failing to adequately explain how long it takes to earn a black belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
The question arose eleven times across four events — a company cocktail hour, a neighbor’s barbecue, his cousin’s wedding, and a college reunion — bringing Ellsworth’s April total to eleven asks and zero satisfying answers.
“I’ve tried everything,” Ellsworth told reporters, still visibly haunted. “Every approach just makes it worse.”
At the company party on April 3rd, a coworker from accounting asked the question during a conversation about weekend hobbies. Ellsworth attempted the honest route: “Like ten to fifteen years, usually.” The coworker stared at him for four full seconds, said “Why would anyone do that,” and walked to the bar.
At the neighbor’s barbecue the following weekend, Ellsworth pivoted to philosophy. “It’s not really about the belt,” he told the host’s brother-in-law, a man named Dale who does CrossFit. Dale considered this for a moment. “So you’re still a white belt?” he asked. Ellsworth said no. Dale asked what color his belt was. Ellsworth said blue. Dale asked how many there were. Ellsworth said five. Dale did the math out loud and said, “So you’re not even halfway.”
Ellsworth reportedly excused himself to check on a burger that did not belong to him.
At his cousin’s wedding on April 18th, Ellsworth attempted the vague approach — “it depends” — which produced what he described as “the blankest stare I’ve ever received from a human face.” The question came from his wife’s aunt, who then asked if it was like karate. He said not really. She asked if he could do a flying kick. He said no. She seemed disappointed.
Later that evening, Ellsworth’s Uncle Gary asked if he could “beat up the DJ,” who was roughly 5’7” and selecting songs from an iPad. Ellsworth said “probably” before he could stop himself. His wife kicked him under the table hard enough to dead-leg his left quad. He told Uncle Gary he was joking. Uncle Gary did not think he was joking. Uncle Gary now introduces Ellsworth to people as “my nephew who does cage fighting.”
The college reunion on April 26th produced three separate inquiries in ninety minutes, including one from a former roommate who asked — in front of Ellsworth’s wife — whether he “chokes guys with his legs.” His wife confirmed that he does, in fact, choke guys with his legs. The roommate did not know how to respond to this.
Ellsworth has compiled a document on his phone titled “Answers That Don’t Work” which currently contains nine entries. The most recent addition, from the wedding: “It’s a journey, not a destination.” Reception from wife’s cousin: “Okay but like how long is the journey.”
When reached for comment, Ellsworth’s coach, a third-degree black belt who has trained for twenty-two years, said he also cannot answer the question satisfactorily. “I just tell people eight years now,” he said. “It’s wrong, but they nod and move on. That’s all you can really hope for.”
Ellsworth has three events scheduled for May. He is considering telling people he does yoga.