The email arrived at 11:47 PM on a Tuesday.
“Dear Valued Members of Ironside Jiu-Jitsu,” it began — a salutation that immediately signaled something expensive was about to happen.
Owner and head instructor Marcus Fontaine (third-degree black belt, second-degree in passive-aggressive communication) informed his 127 active members that effective April 15, monthly dues would undergo a “modest seasonal adjustment” from $179 to $249. The 39% increase was described as “reflective of our continued investment in the training experience.”
The email cited “rising operational costs,” “premium instruction,” and “facility enhancements” as justification.
A thorough investigation of the facility has identified exactly one enhancement: a 24x36 inch motivational poster in the lobby reading “Champions Train When They Don’t Feel Like It” in white Impact font on a black background. The poster retails for $12.99 on Amazon. It is slightly crooked.
“We’re always looking to improve the member experience,” Fontaine told reporters while standing in front of the poster, which was mounted with a single thumbtack and a strip of painter’s tape.
Additional changes members have noticed since the announcement:
- The parking lot is now 30% smaller, having lost four spaces to a neighboring vape shop’s expanded patio
- The water fountain still produces a thin, warm stream that requires pressing your entire face against the spigot
- The men’s changing room light continues its three-year tradition of flickering in a pattern several members believe is Morse code for “help”
- The heavy bag in the corner remains held together with duct tape applied during the Obama administration
- A second motivational poster (“Pain Is Temporary, Quitting Lasts Forever”) appeared Thursday, taped to the bathroom mirror
Member Derek Valdez (blue belt, 14 months) performed a cost-per-class analysis and determined that at his current attendance rate of 1.3 classes per week, his effective rate is now $46.92 per session — or roughly $15.64 per roll, assuming three rounds.
“That’s more expensive than my therapist,” Valdez noted. “And she lets me talk.”
When asked to specify which operational costs had risen, Fontaine gestured vaguely at “everything” and mentioned that his Spotify Premium subscription, which powers the gym’s playlist, had recently increased by $2.
Three members have reportedly cancelled. Fontaine described their departures as “self-selecting for commitment level” and noted that their combined absence has freed up enough mat space to justify the poster’s placement.
The email concluded with a reminder that the annual uniform fee of $85 is also due next month, and that the gym will be closed the following Saturday for “facility maintenance” — which historically means Fontaine is attending a seminar in another state.
At press time, a third motivational poster reading “The Mat Doesn’t Lie” had been affixed to the front door with a single piece of Scotch tape that was already beginning to peel.