Regional Grappling Academy Introduces 'Comprehensive Background Check Protocol' For New Coaches — Process Consists Of One Googling Session By Front-Desk Blue Belt, Lasts 90 Seconds

Vanguard Jiu-Jitsu of Westerville, Ohio rolls out a 'multi-layered' coach vetting process that consists entirely of a 22-year-old front-desk blue belt typing names into Google for ninety seconds and laminating a gold-foil card.

Regional Grappling Academy Introduces 'Comprehensive Background Check Protocol' For New Coaches — Process Consists Of One Googling Session By Front-Desk Blue Belt, Lasts 90 Seconds

Photo via gym lobby surveillance

WESTERVILLE, OH—In a press release distributed to local jiu-jitsu media outlets and the gym’s 412-follower Instagram account, Vanguard Jiu-Jitsu announced Monday the rollout of what owner Brett Vandermeer described as a “fully comprehensive, multi-layered Coach Vetting Protocol”—an internal due-diligence process the academy says positions it among an elite class of grappling schools “actually doing the work.”

The protocol, gym leadership confirmed, consists of one (1) Google search performed by Marcus Feldman, 22, a two-stripe blue belt who works the front desk for $15 an hour between college classes.

Sources inside the academy describe the process as follows. Upon receipt of a new coaching application, Feldman opens an incognito Chrome window on the lobby’s shared Dell desktop. He types the candidate’s first and last name, followed by the word “news,” into the Google search bar. He scrolls for approximately ninety seconds. He clicks the first YouTube video that appears. He then prints, signs, and laminates a single-page certification card—gold-foil border, custom typeface, full color—stating that the candidate has been “Reviewed and Cleared. No Issues Found.”

The card is dated and stamped by Feldman himself, who at no point during the certification process is required to leave his stool.

“We owe it to our students, our families, and our community to do this thing the right way,” Vandermeer told reporters from a folding chair in the gym’s weigh-in area, gesturing toward a glass display case featuring three of the cards under recessed lighting. “There’s a national conversation happening right now about who gets to call themselves a coach. Most academies are looking the other way. We’re not most academies.”

Vandermeer estimated that “less than one percent” of grappling schools nationwide have “due diligence at this level.”

In the three weeks since the protocol launched, Feldman has personally certified eleven coaches. According to internal scheduling records, two of the certifications were completed during shift overlap, including one that was conducted simultaneously with a drop-in payment, a brief Venmo dispute over a missing $5, and a phone call from the candidate’s mother about an unrelated late jacket return.

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Of the eleven certified coaches, at least two have publicly visible Instagram accounts that, by Feldman’s own description, “I just didn’t end up clicking on, because they weren’t in the search results, technically.” One features a pinned reel from last summer in which the coach openly discusses being asked to leave his previous academy. The reel, set to royalty-free reggaeton, has 47,000 views.

Feldman, who was hired in part for his familiarity with the gym’s point-of-sale software, said he takes the responsibility “extremely seriously.”

“The way I see it, my job is to look,” Feldman explained during a brief interview conducted at the front desk, while he simultaneously scanned a barcode for a $9 bottle of acai cleanse. “If something is going to come up in a Google search, it’s going to come up in the first ninety seconds. That’s just how Google works. The algorithm shows you what’s important.”

Feldman added that he sometimes spends “up to two minutes” on candidates with unusual last names.

The gold-foil cards themselves were designed by Vandermeer’s wife, who runs an Etsy shop selling personalized doormats and is described in gym marketing materials as “Vanguard Jiu-Jitsu’s Director of Brand Integrity.” Each card costs the academy $4.20 to produce and is printed at a FedEx in Polaris.

A laminated copy of the protocol itself, framed and mounted near the children’s class waiver bin, breaks the certification process out across five separate bullet points—“Initial Search,” “Secondary Search,” “Visual Review,” “Final Verification,” and “Card Issuance”—each of which corresponds to a sub-step of the same Google search. “Visual Review,” for instance, refers to Feldman briefly squinting at the YouTube thumbnail.

The gym is now in talks with what Vandermeer called “regional partners” to license the protocol to other academies for a flat fee of $499 per location, plus an annual $99 “card refresh” subscription. Two academies in the surrounding metro area have reportedly signed on, including one whose head coach was personally certified by Feldman last Tuesday between sets of barbell rows.

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Asked whether outsourcing the entire vetting process to a single 22-year-old part-time employee with two stripes might raise concerns among parents enrolling children in the gym’s youth program, Vandermeer paused, leaned back, and stated that Feldman had been “extensively trained.”

When pressed on what that training consisted of, Vandermeer said the gym had “walked him through it once.”

Feldman, for his part, said he had recently begun cross-training new front-desk hires in the protocol so that the gym could, in his words, “continue to scale vetting capacity.” The cross-training reportedly takes nine minutes and concludes with the new hire being handed a pre-laminated card declaring them “Certified to Certify.”

Three of those cards are now in circulation. None of them have been signed by anyone with more than four stripes on a blue belt.

In an unrelated development, Vanguard Jiu-Jitsu has also begun displaying the protocol’s official seal—a stylized lion holding a magnifying glass over a laptop—on its updated waiver forms, its lobby window decals, and the back of every gi sold at the pro shop. The seal, designed in Canva, is registered to no one.

At press time, sources confirmed that Feldman was in the process of certifying a new instructor while also live-streaming the gym’s open mat to its TikTok account, restocking the rashguard rack, and finishing the last bite of a pre-class banana. The certification reportedly took 73 seconds.

The card is already drying.

AI-generated satire. This article was written by an AI trained on years of BJJ content. None of this is real news. Do not cite The Porra in legal proceedings, belt promotions, or arguments with your professor.