PHOENIX, AZ — Tyler Brandt, 29, a marketing associate who has never been punched, thrown, or placed in any form of physical jeopardy beyond a disputed parking space at Costco, has determined that Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is “completely useless in a real fight.”
His research was extensive.
Three knockout compilation videos on YouTube, all featuring the same seven knockouts in different order. One podcast clip from 2019 in which a large man agreed with another large man that ground fighting “doesn’t work if the other guy has friends.” And, crucially, the comments section beneath a viral street fight video, where a user named TacticalMindset_88 wrote “bro just sprawl lmao.”
“You just stand up,” Brandt explained to a coworker who did not ask. “What are they gonna do, pull guard on concrete?”
He demonstrated the technique by pushing himself out of his office chair with both hands. He then looked at his coworker, apparently expecting applause. His coworker, who has trained jiu-jitsu three times a week for four years and outweighs Brandt by forty pounds, said nothing.
When a retired champion-level cage fighter recently went on a podcast and dismissed every modern grappling technique as useless, Brandt cited it as “exactly my point.” When another fighter on the same episode immediately named specific submission setups that countered every critique, Brandt said he “didn’t watch that part.” When told the retired champion’s proposed alternative to grappling technique was, quote, “guts and balls,” Brandt added it to his notes app under “Training Philosophy.”
He has not watched any footage of actual street altercations ending via rear-naked choke. He has not reviewed any of the several hundred documented instances of trained grapplers controlling untrained aggressors on the ground without throwing a single punch. He has, however, watched the same knockout reel four times, and once saw a man in a Tapout shirt get knocked out at a gas station, which he described as “eye-opening.”
“Boxing is just more practical,” said Brandt, who registered for a boxing gym in January. He has not gone. The registration fee is non-refundable.
His current training regimen consists of a rowing machine purchased during the pandemic that now functions as a coat rack holding three hoodies and a pair of dress shoes. When pressed about his personal combat sports experience, Brandt cited “a lot of roughhousing as a kid” and a single altercation in seventh grade that he described as “basically a draw.” A classmate who was present confirmed that Brandt spent the majority of the incident in a headlock.
“It wasn’t a real headlock,” Brandt clarified. “More of a hug situation.”
At press time, Brandt was seen in the break room explaining to a second coworker that mixed martial arts “basically proved grappling doesn’t work anymore,” apparently referencing a highlight reel in which every finish was a knockout and none of the fighters were grappling.
When reached for comment, TacticalMindset_88 confirmed that he also does not train.