PLAINFIELD, IL — Local electrician and three-year blue belt Kevin Driscoll, 34, is being praised by the grappling community after applying a textbook rear naked choke to his childhood friend Matt Kessler at his son Owen’s seventh birthday party last Saturday, preventing Kessler from driving home in what witnesses described as “an absolutely hammered state.”
The incident occurred at approximately 4:15 PM, ninety minutes after Kessler — who was not on the original guest list but arrived claiming “Owen’s basically my nephew” — had cracked open his fifth Modelo from a cooler he brought himself.
“Matt started getting loud during pin the tail on the donkey,” said Driscoll’s wife, Lindsey. “Then he knocked over the bounce house extension cord. Then he started looking for his keys.”
That’s when Driscoll, who trains at Summit Jiu-Jitsu in Plainfield, made his move.
“I shot in for the body lock, took the back standing, and sat him down against the garage door,” Driscoll told reporters, unprompted, in a level of technical detail no one present had requested. “Seatbelt grip, got my hooks in, sank the choke. But I kept it loose. I wasn’t trying to put him out. I just wanted him to stop moving.”
He held the position for roughly four minutes while Lindsey called Kessler’s wife.
Kessler, who could not be reached for comment, reportedly spent those four minutes alternating between “bro, let go” and “I’m fine to drive, dude” — the latter undermined by the fact that he had earlier attempted to teach the seven-year-olds a drinking game using Capri Suns.
The grappling community has responded with its typical blend of respect and savagery.
“I don’t blame his wife for divorcing him,” said one practitioner. “He can’t even get out of a rear naked choke.”
Others focused on the restraint shown. “The fact that Kevin held it without sinking it all the way — that’s blue belt maturity right there,” said his instructor, Marco Deluca. “Most of my white belts would’ve just cranked it and figured out the consequences later.”
Not everyone was impressed with Driscoll’s priorities.
“Pretty crazy excuse for missing warmups,” said training partner Jake Novotny. “You’ve got time to choke out your buddy at a kids’ party but you can’t make the 6 AM? Interesting.”
Driscoll maintains the experience has “validated everything I’ve been telling my wife about why I train.” He has since enrolled Owen in the kids’ program.
Kessler has not returned to a Driscoll family function. His Modelo cooler remains in the garage.